


Love is a stranger

by Pechinka



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-11-03 16:52:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10971399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pechinka/pseuds/Pechinka
Summary: It's not like the thought was new to her. After all, flirting with women was somewhat of a hobby of hers. It was something she did all the time, come to think of it.Serena Campbell is in a strange mood after Bernie kissed her in theatre.Please note: English is not my first language, so please be kind. If you find anything wrong, like spelling, please let me know.





	1. Chapter 1

 

The grey sportscar sped away from the hospital like there was no tomorrow, the lights of the car disappearing into the traffic, but she sat frozen, sweaty palms clinging to the steering wheel of her own car. Time seemed to have stopped. The air around her was light, but at the same time she felt a choking sensation in her throat. _ That kiss! _

 

Somehow she managed to start the car and drive over to the darkest place in the car park. Her car sat under a large tree, large drips of rain rhythmically hitting the car window. In the distance, the hum of the traffic goes unnoticed. Looking in the rear view mirror, her face perplexed, sound ringing in her ears. The sound was all-consuming. Her heart beating like a sledgehammer in her chest. 

 

It's not like the thought was new to her. After all, flirting with women was somewhat of a hobby of hers. It was something she did all the time, come to think of it. She had always seen herself as being sexually adventurous, when given the chance. Being with a woman had always been one of her fantasies. She could picture it in her head; a mysterious, beautiful stranger seducing her, and taking her on a sexual adventure. A night of delicious exploring and passion. Absolute anonymity, and absolutely no strings attached.  _ It was not supposed to be like this _ . It was not supposed to make her feel like her heart was about to explode, leave her body numb, shaking with anticipation. It was not supposed to fill her stomach with butterflies, and leave her brain in a drunk like fug. It wasn't supposed to make her question her sexual identity. But it did. It did all of those things. 

 

She glanced up at the mirror, and for a second she saw herself as a scared fifteen year old. Crazy in love for the first time, her body filled with raging hormones. She blinked, and looked in the mirror again. She still looked scared, and she hated that feeling, but she was indeed no teenager. It was a mature woman staring back at her, frown lines gracing her forehead, tiny wrinkles around the eyes and mouth. At least her eyes still had that youthful spark. Her gaze froze when, even in the dim light from the streetlights, she could see how red the skin grazing her lips was. It almost looked like a rash. And her cheeks, her cheeks were burning.  _ Pull yourself together, Campbell _ , she said out loud to herself. The engine growled as she left the car park.

 

The drive home was eventful. She nearly crashed into the car in front of her twice. Everything around her seemed blurred and surreal. She drove past a tall, blonde woman, and her stomach flipped so badly that she nearly slammed her foot on the brakes. When she reached her street, she drove past her own house.   _ What am I doing? What has she done to me?  _

 

_ At least the moon is itself _ , she whispered into her warm pillow.  _ Why is this so different? Why do I feel so different?  _ She thought about her life. There had been a few heated romances before she met Edward. Thinking about them made her laugh out loud. The young Serena had been quite shy, but she grew more confident with each new encounter. Edward had been a natural charmer. He had swept her off her feet, and treated her like a goddess.... for a while.  _ I loved the way he made me feel, but I don't know if I truly loved him. _ She thought about Robbie, her last boyfriend. He was a nice, decent and caring man, and he adored her. He looked at her like she was some kind of magical creature, and she had enjoyed that. 

 

But this, what happened today, had shaken her more than any romantic encounter previously had. Bernie. Just the thought of her shaped Serena’s lips into a big smile. She had known that she cared a great deal about her. That she very quickly became someone special in her life. That she wanted to spend time with her, and that she felt hurt and almost angry when Bernie turned down an invite. She also admired Bernie Wolfe. She respected her, and wanted to protect her. Both personally and professionally, and sometimes from herself. When she was around Bernie, she became a softer version of herself. Her friend, her beautiful friend, had turned her life upside down even before tonight. Their friendship had made Serena feel alive again, and it had taken away the suffocating loneliness from her life.  _ We understand each other.  _

 

It was almost morning when she finally dared to face the reality of the situation. She finally allowed herself to relive the events of the evening before. When a broken Bernie had opened up to her and looked at her with the most loving eyes she had ever seen. When they sat so close to each other on the theatre floor, so close that she could feel Bernie’s heart beating. When she had told her friend that she was the most fantastic and fearless doctor in the entire hospital. When she….

 

_ …She kissed me.  _ And it was a kiss like no other kiss she had ever experienced. All the sadness, longing and love that was left in Bernie was poured into that desperate kiss. It was a kiss that took her completely by surprise. The intensity of it had almost scared her, and she knew she had pulled away for a brief moment. She looked up at Bernie in complete bewilderment, her cheeks turning pink and her mind trying to process what was happening.  _ But then I kissed her back _ . Any doubt was thrown away, and she couldn’t stop herself. She was like an animal, and all she knew was a deep urge within her. With the same kind of wild desperation she pressed her lips against Bernie’s. She pulled the other woman as close to her as possible, and her trembling hands had been everywhere. She let her finger trace her lips, as she thought about Bernie’s lips on hers.  _ What soft lips. That soft skin. _ Tongues melting into each other. Bernies hand moving under her scrubs, touching her waist, touching her belly. Her hands gracing Bernie’s neck, playing with her mop of blonde hair. And then someone knocked on the door.

 

_ Am I ready for this? _

 

It was the most amazing and passionate thing she had ever experienced, and her head started spinning just thinking about it. They had left in a hurry. She couldn’t remember how they got to the hospital corridor, but once they were, they walked fast, side by side, in complete silence. Colleagues passed them and wished them both a good night. She just walked, with her eyes fixed to the ground, totally and utterly consumed by what had just happened. She could feel the warmth of Bernie’s hand, as it brushed past her to open a door. She was so totally aware of the other woman’s every move, that she almost walked into a window.  _ Good nigh _ t, Bernie said,her voice cracking. Their eyes met. And Serena was amazed to see the other woman smiling at her. She was blushing, and her fringe was a mess.  _ Good night to you too,  _ her voice barely a whisper. And then Bernie was gone. 

 

Serena Campbell had been awake all night. She finally found her courage.  _ I think I’m in love.  _

She fell asleep with a big smile on her face.

  
  



	2. What will she think of me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wanted to tell her what had happened. How time seems to have stopped. And how all she can seem to think about is Bernie, but a little voice in the back of her mind stopped her. She looked at her friend, and she felt scared. What will she think of me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much @berenawillhappen for helping me with this chapter.

It was nearly midday when she finally woke up. For a second she thought this day was like any other Saturday. Have breakfast in bed, whilst reading a novel that she started last week. Skim through the newspapers, and convince herself that she cared about what was going on in the world. Take a long, hot, soothing bath, to wash away the stress and frustration of the week. Alone time. Time to think and reflect. Maybe do some gardening after getting dressed. But, as her eyes opened to greet the sunlight beaming through the window, she remembered it all. It was all flashing through her head. The kiss, Bernie, the laying awake all night thinking. She lunged out of bed, like some chased animal.  _ Where is my bloody phone.  _ Her heart was racing as she picked it up…..  _ Has she called, at least sent me an sms?  _ Nothing. It felt like a punch to her stomach. She put it down and went into her bathroom.  _ Might as well have that hot bath. It might calm me down. _

 

It didn’t. All she wanted to do was to go back to the night before. She wanted to stay in that kiss, that frantic embrace a little longer. Eyes closed, she tried to remember every little detail. She let out a small sigh as she thought about how electric Bernie’s touch had felt against her skin. How it was almost painful to be touched like that. How surprisingly natural  it had felt to kiss her, yet at the same time it felt like a fuse exploded in her head when their lips met.  _ The way she looked at me...  _ The water was almost too hot, but she didn’t notice.  Drip drop drip drop… the sound of water dripping from the water tap was driving her even more insane. It felt like she was about to burst, like she belonged nowhere. So much for her alone time.  _ Focus, Campbell. Snap out of it! _

  _Should I call her?_ The thought kept popping into her head, but she brushed it away. Tried to stay busy, tried to do anything to keep herself occupied. The garden had always been her place of zen, where her brain would go blank, and all the worries of everyday life seemed miles away. But today she found no peace there. It felt suffocating, like the air was thin and choking her. She walked inside again after yelling at her favourite rose bush. _Why hasn’t she called? Didn’t it mean anything to her?_

 

She thought meeting an old friend would do her good. Nothing beats a good old laugh over a glass or five of Shiraz, right? She called Sian, and they agreed to meet in a great new Italian restaurant. This would surely take her mind off things. She promised herself to not even mention Bernie. To talk about anything but Burnie.  _ All I want to talk about is Bernie _ . 

 

“Earth calling Serena Campbell” Sian sent her a suspicious look, as she waved her hands in front of Serena’s face. 

“Eh… I’m sorry. I was miles away”. She could feel her face go red, and she looked down at the table. She wasn’t really there, and she knew her friend noticed.   _ I’m like a bloody schoolgirl.  _ She looked up at her friend again, and smiled. It was a shy smile, a smile that was foreign even to herself.  

“You have barely said a word all day, Serena. What on earth is going on?” Sian looked worried now. 

 

She wanted to tell her what had happened. How time seems to have stopped. And how all she can seem to think about is Bernie, but a little voice in the back of her mind stopped her. She looked at her friend, and she felt scared.  _ What will she think of me? _

“Come on, you know you can tell me anything. I’m starting to worry, you know. And put down your damn mobile”

Sian reached for her hand, and gave it a comforting squeeze..  _ I have to tell her. If I don’t talk to someone I will go mad. _

 

Her hands were shaking, and her voice trembled when she finally said…”I…. I think I’m in love….with someone”.  Sian looked surprised, almost disappointed at what she had just said. 

“Is that all?”, Sian laughed. “I thought someone had died. Well, come on then, spill the beans. Who is the lucky man? Is it someone I know?” Her friend leaned closer, and Serena could see the curiosity in Sian’s eyes. No wonder, really. Sian had tried, on more than one occasion to get her out in the dating game again. Another long pause followed. It was hard to find the right words, to find the courage. She emptied half a glass of Shiraz at once, and felt how it instantly made her more relaxed and confident. A happy sigh passed through her lips, as she looked her friend straight in the eyes. 

 

She felt a little braver now. “Yes you have met. Blonde, tall and athletic. Beautiful brown eyes. Anyone come to mind?” She let out a little giggle, and could feel herself blush again.  

Sian closed her eyes as she took another sip of red wine. “Someone I met… blonde hair…athletic? No, I’m still completely clueless. Give me another hint. Age… hobbies?”  

Serena laughed. “My age” she said, carefully weighing her words “knows a thing or two about car engines…” She knew this would give it away. She had, on more than one occasion, told Sian about her first encounter with Bernie. Sian flung her hair back, and with a big smile on her face, she leaned even closer to her.   _ Here we go…. Now she knows.  _

“Still clueless, I’m afraid”, Sian sighed after thinking a little longer. “But I suspect that this person has a name? Come on, Serena, what’s all the secrecy about? Is he married? ”

 

 _Why is this so difficult?_  “It isn’t a man. It’s Bernie”, she whispered. Her heart was pounding again, and she looked shyly down at her empty wine glass. _Dear lord, I need more wine._ A few seconds of silence later, she finally looked up at her friend to find her smiling at her across the table.  

Sian let out a loud, roaring laugh, and Serena felt her tighten the grip of her hand. “See, that wasn’t scary, was it? I knew it”, Sian said. “I bloody knew it. I just wanted you to say it, to own up to it. Serena, you’ve talked about nothing but Bernie for the last month. I was actually starting to get bored by it all, and maybe even a little jealous of Bernie. I think you must be the last person to find out that you are in love with her.” Sian raised her glass, and said “Here’s to love, and to those lucky enough to find it.” 

Serena raised her glass, and for the first time that day she felt completely at ease with herself.  Why on earth had she been scared to tell Sian? Maybe she herself was the one suffering from internalised homophobia? She clinked their glasses together and laughed as she said “ A l’amour”. 

 

The quiet and uncommonly shy Serena Campbell was long gone. A stream of words were flowing from her lips, as she told her friend about the kiss, about how it had made her feel. About her own conflicting feelings about being in love with a woman. She was in a blissful Shiraz-daze, and it felt so good to finally talk to someone about it all. 

“You need to call her” Sian said as they left the restaurant. “Bernie is waiting for you to make the next move. I bet she’s petrified too. She’s probably scared she did something wrong”. 

 

She walked home. Took the scenic route along the riverside. It was dark, but the moon shone like a mighty lantern in the sky, it’s reflection shining up at her from the river below. She stopped by a bridge and looked up at the sky. Above her a blanket of stars made her gasp in astonishment. Her gaze was fixed to the eternal ceiling above her, and she could feel the whole universe looking back down at her. The beauty of it all was almost too much to bear, and she could feel herself tearing up. Never once did she allow herself to do this. To stop, and be present in the moment. To just observe and get lost in all the wonders surrounding her.  _ I feel so completely alive.  _ She breathed slowly, felt the cold air fill her lungs completely before she let it out again. She closed her eyes, and a peaceful smile fell over her lips. 

 

Once inside her house, she kicked of her shoes, threw her coat on the hallway floor, and ran into her living room like her life depended on it. She dug her hands into her handbag, and found her mobile phone. Before allowing herself to think it over one more time, she dialled the only number she knew by heart. It was ringing… ringing… ringing …  _ Damn, pick up!  _ … ring…Her heart skipped a beat. 

 

She heard herself say “Hello, it’s me”

A very sleepy Bernie answered “Hello, you”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I really enjoyed writing this from Serena's point of view, but the next chapter might be more Bernie centered. What do you think? Should I stick with Serena, or give Bernie a shot?


	3. Let's talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please. I just want to...“  
> Bernie interrupted her.“I can come over.” She sounded nervous, like her throat was dry. Like she too was in a state of confusion and undecidedness “I mean, if that is what you want. If that is okay….. Is that okay, Serena?”. Her voice was barely a whisper. 
> 
> Bernie comes over. They talk.

She froze. It was like all the air was sucked out of her lungs, and she found herself unable to utter a single word. The queen of snide remarks, who let nobody talk her under the table, was paralyzed. She had known that she had to call, she had felt that it was the right thing to do. But she hadn’t planned what she was going to say, hadn’t thought about how she would react if Bernie answered. She could hear the silence, she could hear Bernie breathe on the other end of the line.   
“Serena… Are you still there?” Bernie’s sounded scared, but her voice was soft.   
Another three seconds of silence.  
“Yes, I’m here”, she sighed. “I’m… I’m sorry. Now that I called you I don’t know what to say”.  
Bernie coughed. Let out a nervous, strange little laughter.   
“I’m glad you called, but I don’t know what to say either.” 

Silence again. I bet she can hear my heart pounding. Say something, you idiot.  
She took a deep breath to calm herself. Looked up at the wall and faced a portrait of her mother. What would her mother have said if she saw her right now? All lost for words, trembling like a scared little puppy. She would tell her to get a grip of herself, and to woman up.   
“I think we need to talk. I know I need to. Bernie…. I… I just really need to see you”  
Silence. She could hear Bernie breathing faster, and that she struggled to answer.

“Please. I just want to...“  
Bernie interrupted her.“I can come over.” She sounded nervous, like her throat was dry. Like she too was in a state of confusion and undecidedness “I mean, if that is what you want. If that is okay….. Is that okay, Serena?”. Her voice was barely a whisper. 

She sat down on the floor in the middle of her living room, her hand clutching the cell phone so hard that it almost hurt. It felt like she had just been through a four-hour operation. Empty, almost hollow, like she had spent every little ounce of energy in her entire body. Yet, her brain was still working, like a hamster on speed, it wouldn’t shut up. Bernie is coming over. Now. 

I have ten minutes, she thought. Ten bloody minutes! How do I look? What do I say to her? Shiraz! She sat down at her kitchen table. Pulled her make up bag out of her purse. Looked in the mirror, and sighed. She had never felt conscious about her looks when she was around men. Men were different, she didn’t compare herself to them. Now, all she could see was frown lines and dark circles around her eyes. Her brown hair looked dull and tired. She had put on weight in the past years, and it had never bothered her. Not until now. Bernie… beautiful Bernie. With her strong features and beautiful, haunting brown eyes. Who had the body of an athletic teenager… Her blonde, almost angelic hair. Why would she even want me?  
She let out a sad sigh, as she put on some lipstick. Ran upstairs to find a new green blouse she had just bought. At least she would try to look her best. 

She sat down at the kitchen table again. It felt like she was waiting for someone at a restaurant. Like there were people watching her, wondering what she was doing there on her own. Her fingers tapping nervously on the table. Drinking the wine too fast, and looking nervously at the door. The minutes felt like hours. What if she’s changed her mind? What if she’s not coming? All of a sudden she felt a big lump build in her throat, and she felt like crying. Curl up like a baby under the kitchen table and let it all out. Hugging herself until she felt safe. This is killing me! Exquisite torture is what this is. Instead, she laughed and poured herself another glass of wine. Looked at the bottle, and realized that she had emptied half of it already. Pathetic, she thought, drinking to make myself brave enough to face her. 

Ding dong!

She ran to the door and opened it, and there she was. Mysterious looking and absolutely perfect. Narrow eyes and a nervous smile on her lips. Serena could feel herself go completely numb just by looking at her. She looks nervous. 

“I brought some pastry and coffee. Figured we both could need a little caffeine and sugar” Bernie stuttered. 

Serena smiled as she took Bernie’s coat. “I’m glad you’re here”, she whispered. 

They stood opposite each other, still in the hallway. Their eyes met, and they both smiled. Coy smiles, smiles that took them both by surprise. She wanted so desperately to give Bernie a hug. To physically feel that she was really there, in her home. To feel her hair brush against her cheeks, to smell a hint of her perfume. Instead, she looked down and gestured for Bernie to follow her into the living room. 

They sat down on the couch, and Serena poured Bernie a glass of wine. Silence. That suffocating, awkward silence. She desperately wanted to break it, to say something, but she couldn’t. They ended up looking up at each other at the same time. Their eyes met, and once again they just smiled at each other. Serena felt like she was burning up inside, but she still kept looking straight into Bernie’s eyes. She could feel her smile widen, and after what seemed like an eternity, Bernie finally burst out laughing hysterically.   
“What on earth are we doing? God, I’m so bloody nervous, Serena”. She was still laughing. That loud, rather shocking honk of a laughter that only she could get away with.

Serena was laughing too, as she felt a rush of relief go through her entire body. “It’s ridiculous, I know”.

They were still giggling when Bernie reached out and took Serena’s hand in hers. Her narrow eyes looked so serious all of a sudden. Serena could feel her whole body getting covered with goosebumps. “Let’s talk. You go first… “

Serena felt Bernie’s hand in hers, felt the warmth of her breath when she was laughing. Felt so at peace, just sitting like this. Close to her, next to her, in her company. I could stay like this forever. She snapped back to reality, knew she had to say something.

“You kissed me”, she finally said.   
Bernie looked down as she emptied her wine glass. She was blushing, and all Serena could do was look at her. How can anyone be that beautiful? “Yes, I did… I did do that.”   
Now it was the blonde that looked lost. Serena could see how she struggled to find her words, that she didn’t want to look up, that she was afraid. 

“Why did you kiss me, Bernie?” Her voice was surprisingly stern. 

The other woman looked up at her, with that strange, wide smile on her lips… weighing her words carefully.   
“I kissed you because I wanted to. I didn’t think clearly. I know I shouldn’t have done it…jeopardize our friendship like that.” She sighed, put her wine glass down. Serena felt that Bernie wanted to pull her hand back, but she wouldn’t allow that. She felt brave now, looking over at the blonde. “Go on”, she said, as softly as she could.   
“Serena, I felt so alone. Desperate, even. Like, like I was being weighed down by some mighty power. Like I was drowning in my own misery. And then I looked at you. And it all hit me. I looked at you, and I saw the kindness in your eyes, your love… for me, I guess. You looked at me with the kindest eyes I have ever seen. God, you looked so beautiful sitting there… in your dirty scrubs.” She laughed. “ And then I kissed you. I wanted to feel close to someone… close to you. I wanted to kiss you. Perhaps I was selfish, but.. but I don’t regret doing it”. Bernie shrugged and fell into the sofa. She looked exhausted. 

“Well, so much for letting me speak first”, Serena giggled.   
Bernie slapped her free hand against her own forehead… “I really am a human disaster”.  
They laughed again. It felt carefree this time. Serena could see a shift in Bernie’ eyes… they looked darker, and straight at her. What is she doing now?

“You kissed me back”. Bernie looked deviantly at her, a small smirk on her face. 

It had been easy to listen to Bernie. To let her, for once, do the talking. Her heart had skipped a beat when Bernie called her beautiful, when she had said that she wanted to kiss her. That it wasn’t just a random, desperate snog after a trying day. Finding her own words though, was difficult. Once again, her eyes found the portrait of her mother on the wall. What would you do? You would have been mortified by this if you had still been alive, she thought, still looking at the picture. Serena Campbell, lesbian. It would have killed her mother. 

“I did….” She finally managed to say. “”This isn’t easy for me…I…, I’ve never been more than friends with a woman before, and you terrified the life out of me. Happy?” She had wanted to appear calm, but she wasn’t. Her voice was high pitched and frantic. She knew she was about to mess this up.   
“It surprised me that I did. In that moment it was all I wanted to. I didn’t have time to think, I just acted on how I felt. ” She could hear herself sounding off, her voice trembling as she continued. “But I can’t get that kiss out of my head… I can’t get you out of my head… I feel so confused … No one has ever kissed me like that. It was the most incredible kiss I have ever experienced. But you’re a woman… my best friend.”

“Yes, I am a woman. Does it really matter?” Bernie held her hand again. “Serena, I know how you feel. I’ve been there.”

This wasn’t going as planned. She had pictured a scene where she was in control, where she would take the lead and be confident. Where she would tell Bernie how it had made her question a thing or two, but that she was fine with it. That she was ready for anything really, that it was no big deal that Bernie was a woman. Was it a big deal? She had pictured herself initiating a kiss. Instead, Bernie was looking worried, trying to comfort her. There was nothing seductive about this scenario. She had messed things up, and she felt too drunk to redeem herself. 

“Serena” Bernie demanded her attention. “This is clearly making you very uncomfortable.” Serena's eyes were fixed to the floor…She knew exactly what was coming .” You are my closest friend, and we make such a great team. I don’t want to lose that. I think you need space…. To think.” The words hit her like a ton of bricks. 

Bernie gave her a hug. It was a friendly hug.. Nothing more, nothing less. Then she left. As soon as the door closed, Serena curled up on her couch, crying. 

“I’m in love with you” she whispered, “I think I want to be in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be from Bernie's perspective. Promise that more positive times are ahead. 
> 
> And thank you all for the kudos and comment. Makes me really happy (:


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